when you wish upon a star

through college admissions i’ve learned so much and grown so much as a person. day after day, i discover more and more of who i am. on thursday, i found out that i have been accepted to UC berkeley. that was my second choice school after stanford. after finding out about stanford in december, i was set on berkeley. i got an acceptance from UCSD which was not far behind my love for cal. however, over the past couple days, i’ve realized how much i love cal and how much i can picture myself there. i have never been so excited to keep living my life and get out there on my own. now that i know where i’m going, i can start planning for my time there. congrats to the rest of the cal class of 2016!

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coffee stomach and accepting imperfection

holy moly, it has been SO long since i last updated. jeez, i mean, a lot has happened since my last post (october 25). my holidays were fantastic and i couldn’t ask for a better group of family and friends to spend it with. i’m excited for 2012 because it is a big milestone year for me. i turn 18, graduate, travel to foreign country by myself (staying with relatives, of course), start college…boy, it’s gonna be a busy year! even if things go sour, i know that i’m going to keep an optimistic outlook because you just have to take life day by day.

a medication update: i’m still taking zoloft 50 mg every morning along with 65 mg of solodyn (for acne) and 1290 mg fish oil (helps improve brain function/depression/etc.). all seems to be going well. i feel so much more stable emotionally and rarely have breakdowns. i haven’t resorted to unhealthy coping mechanisms (other than eating some cookies and such hehehe) and i just feel good (HALLELUJAH!). my body seems to be tolerating the solodyn which is great and i’m seeing incredible improvement in my skin (i’m almost through my second bottle of the stuff) – even my family has noticed how much it has cleared. it honestly makes me feel so great to not have giant nodules on my face that are painful and embarrassing. yippee!!

a school-related update: i sent in all of my applications and am now waiting to hear back from 6/7 schools. the only school i’ve heard back from (because i applied restrictive early action) is stanford which, sadly, sent me a rejection notice. i handled it a lot better than i would have expected considering how badly i wanted to go there and how much time i spent imagining myself at that school. however, although i did not get in, a very dear friend of mine received an acceptance from stanford and i could not be happier for her. she’s an incredible person and will do amazing things as she joins the stanford class of 2016. hopefully i can end up at berkeley so we’ll be right across the bay from each other! how fun would that be?

a personal update: I GOT A KITTY. i got him on december 18th as an early christmas present. he’s a beautiful 3 month old male domestic medium hair. he’s absolutely precious and has made me so happy over the past two weeks. i honestly can’t imagine my life without him now that he’s a part of my life! i can’t wait to take him to college with me when i’m a sophomore/junior and i’m in my own apartment. i named him walt (after walt disney). he’s so playful yet super affectionate. he’s absolutely perfect. the first week he was coughing and wheezing so we took him to the vet – turns out he had an upper respiratory infection for which we got antibiotics (which are a pain in the butt to give to him because he hates the taste…poor kitty). a few days ago, i woke up to these little sesame seed looking things in my bed and after doing some research, i found out that mr. walt had a tapeworm. thankfully, my neighbor is a vet tech and came over to give him an injection that made the tapeworm digest in his system. so no more wormies for walter!

that’s about it for now. i feel like there’s a lot more to update on but maybe if i actually kept up with this blog, i wouldn’t have to try to recap 2 months of stuff into a few paragraphs! i hope you’re all well and had a safe and blissful holiday season. be kind and tell your loved ones how special they are to you. always remember, you’re beautiful.

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lame title, whiney post

i deactivated my facebook (again) and signed off the internet for the past weekend. i spent some time with my grandparents after having the biggest mental breakdown last tuesday. i could feel one building up over the past month and a week ago i just cracked. unfortunately, i took a few steps back in my progress in overcoming my personal issues but, at the same time, i’ve taken a couple steps forward. my mom got involved during this last breakdown and confessed to me that it’s very hard for her to see me hurting so much. we’ve decided to make an appointment with a psychiatrist so we can explore another option of treatment. i’ve never been on medication for depression but, from what i’ve heard, i think it could be a big help. i was doing a little research and it seems that the only SSRI that is allowed for patients under 18 is prozac because of potential suicidality. can anyone clarify? i can’t imagine that there is only one treatment option for children and teens with depression/anxiety…

i’m feeling a little better today and yesterday after doing a bit of retail therapy; ended up getting a pair of shorts, 2 pairs of jeans, 5 tops, a pair of brown boots, and my mom just ordered me some red hi top converse (FINALLY). so i’m feeling pretty good at the moment, especially since i didn’t have any issues with fitting into anything which is totally unusual. school starts on wednesday and i’m NOT feeling great about that. in fact, it’s probably going to be awful just because all i’ll be able to think abut was last year, sitting in class wanting to die and sitting in my car alone at lunch. so…who knows. at least it’s my last year of high school and then i can go where i want and do what i want. thank god, it can’t come soon enough. i’m looking forward to getting letters back from colleges and going to graduation and grad nite. prom….not so much. i really don’t feel the need or desire to go to prom – it’s just not really me. it’s the epitome of high school and everyone tells me that i’m going to regret not going when i’m old and dying. but, honestly, when i’m old…i don’t think prom is going to be the first thing that i’ll regret. it’s so insignificant and doesn’t mean anything to me. i’ve never really been keen on going. it’s expensive as all get-out (not to mention dress and shoes and dinner), i most likely won’t have a date, and 90% of my really good friends are going to stay out all night getting wasted and stoned out of their minds which is so pathetic. why would i want to go to something that my friends won’t even remember?

i hate to say that nothing is really happening but there’s not much to report other than the whole psychiatrist thing and school starting. i’m hoping that this year goes well and doesn’t send me over the edge like last year did. i’m sick of feeling down on my own and i don’t need school to contribute to that. keeping my chin up and staying strong gets harder and harder every day, but i’m still trying.

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light in a somewhat dark situation

here are a few things i find humorous or somewhat noteworthy about our new apartment:

• we have two microwaves. no, that’s not even the best part. we didn’t even realize that we have two microwaves until today (saturday) and we moved in on wednesday
• my mom bought new dishwashing powerball things; we’re not used to the ones with the plastic wrapping but rather the gel wrapped ones that you just throw into the dishwasher, so our first round of dishes were simply hot water rinsed
• i have to hold my breath when i take out the trash to the trash chute
• the second day of living here, i almost took out one of my rearview mirrors with a cement pillar – whoops
• bringing my own comforter and pillows has made sleeping SO much more pleasurable
• all of the seats in the apartment are super low; if my oma comes over for dinner, we’ll have to get her a booster seat 😉
• well, the couch is nice…we’re actually contemplating stealing it…shhhhh…..
• one of our neighbors across the way occasionally comes out onto his balcony to smoke. he always looks really sad and pensive. i should think of a name for him. smokey, probably.
• my stepdad finally set up wireless internet which means that i’ll be going to into hibernation in my room for the next two months or however long we’re here for
• the people here are really nice; at least the people i’ve met in the elevator who do the required “what floor?” thing
• my room smells funky and i keep spraying it with my perfume to get it to smell like me but it’s not working out too well; i practically gag before falling asleep every night
• i do, however, enjoy the proximity to a) the center with the restaurant i want to work at (earn), b) my bank (save), c) the mall (SPEND!!!!). we’re literally across the street from all 3. and the hospital. you know, just in case..

that’s basically all i have to discuss today. i’ve been hanging out with lots of friends lately, which i think will be good for me. i saw the help today and it was really good. sad, angering, and for the most part really hysterical. i recommend it. and emma stone is just adorable but who didn’t already know that?

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caramel macchiatos & so it goes

i’m running off of pure caffeine right now. i probably shouldn’t have gotten coffee this morning. coffee tends to make my head, stomach, and entire body hurt and can leave me feeling sick for days. this is particularly unfortunate seeing as in a year, i will be leaving the nest and venturing off to some university, yet to be decided; and i’m going to need coffee to function. i figure if i just get my body used to it now and expose it to coffee as often as possible, i won’t go into panic mode when i am sucking down triples twice a day.

so it’s father’s day today. my assigned gift to my stepdad (will be referenced as “steppappy” from here on out, okay?) is to make the family breakfast this morning. last week i made banana bread and he ate some and was bonkers for it (and he hates banana bread). i had mentioned something along the lines of, “oh, you know what would be yummy? french toast made with banana bread.” and so he has taken it upon himself to tell me that’s what i’m going to be doing this morning. i’m going to need some luck with this one. and i’m getting hungry, so the rest of the house better wake up soon. is this how the rest of my family normally feels when they’re waiting for me to wake up around noon? then again, they don’t wait for me to get up to make breakfast. i should’ve just made breakfast when i was up and ready for the day at 8 o’clock this morning, and i should’ve just eaten all of it. woe is me.

i will be spending the rest of today cleaning the kitchen, studying for the last of my finals tomorrow, and hanging out with my oma. it should be an interesting start to the first week of summer – junior year (a.k.a. the worst year of my entire life) is finally almost over.

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