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through college admissions i’ve learned so much and grown so much as a person. day after day, i discover more and more of who i am. on thursday, i found out that i have been accepted to UC berkeley. that was my second choice school after stanford. after finding out about stanford in december, i was set on berkeley. i got an acceptance from UCSD which was not far behind my love for cal. however, over the past couple days, i’ve realized how much i love cal and how much i can picture myself there. i have never been so excited to keep living my life and get out there on my own. now that i know where i’m going, i can start planning for my time there. congrats to the rest of the cal class of 2016!

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holy moly, it has been SO long since i last updated. jeez, i mean, a lot has happened since my last post (october 25). my holidays were fantastic and i couldn’t ask for a better group of family and friends to spend it with. i’m excited for 2012 because it is a big milestone year for me. i turn 18, graduate, travel to foreign country by myself (staying with relatives, of course), start college…boy, it’s gonna be a busy year! even if things go sour, i know that i’m going to keep an optimistic outlook because you just have to take life day by day.

a medication update: i’m still taking zoloft 50 mg every morning along with 65 mg of solodyn (for acne) and 1290 mg fish oil (helps improve brain function/depression/etc.). all seems to be going well. i feel so much more stable emotionally and rarely have breakdowns. i haven’t resorted to unhealthy coping mechanisms (other than eating some cookies and such hehehe) and i just feel good (HALLELUJAH!). my body seems to be tolerating the solodyn which is great and i’m seeing incredible improvement in my skin (i’m almost through my second bottle of the stuff) – even my family has noticed how much it has cleared. it honestly makes me feel so great to not have giant nodules on my face that are painful and embarrassing. yippee!!

a school-related update: i sent in all of my applications and am now waiting to hear back from 6/7 schools. the only school i’ve heard back from (because i applied restrictive early action) is stanford which, sadly, sent me a rejection notice. i handled it a lot better than i would have expected considering how badly i wanted to go there and how much time i spent imagining myself at that school. however, although i did not get in, a very dear friend of mine received an acceptance from stanford and i could not be happier for her. she’s an incredible person and will do amazing things as she joins the stanford class of 2016. hopefully i can end up at berkeley so we’ll be right across the bay from each other! how fun would that be?

a personal update: I GOT A KITTY. i got him on december 18th as an early christmas present. he’s a beautiful 3 month old male domestic medium hair. he’s absolutely precious and has made me so happy over the past two weeks. i honestly can’t imagine my life without him now that he’s a part of my life! i can’t wait to take him to college with me when i’m a sophomore/junior and i’m in my own apartment. i named him walt (after walt disney). he’s so playful yet super affectionate. he’s absolutely perfect. the first week he was coughing and wheezing so we took him to the vet – turns out he had an upper respiratory infection for which we got antibiotics (which are a pain in the butt to give to him because he hates the taste…poor kitty). a few days ago, i woke up to these little sesame seed looking things in my bed and after doing some research, i found out that mr. walt had a tapeworm. thankfully, my neighbor is a vet tech and came over to give him an injection that made the tapeworm digest in his system. so no more wormies for walter!

that’s about it for now. i feel like there’s a lot more to update on but maybe if i actually kept up with this blog, i wouldn’t have to try to recap 2 months of stuff into a few paragraphs! i hope you’re all well and had a safe and blissful holiday season. be kind and tell your loved ones how special they are to you. always remember, you’re beautiful.

can the holidays please hurry up and arrive already?! i’ve been lighting my winter wonderland candle, listening to a christmas pandora station, and the dropping temperature (high 60s and low 70s is “dropping” for us californians, okay) is making me consume coffee like a high school teacher.

boy, is there a lot to update on. i started seeing a psychologist at the end of september and have been put on a 50mg dose of zoloft. i will be finishing my first bottle in the next two days and i have seen an incredible improvement in my mood. i feel much more stable and less volatile. i don’t get irritated so quickly, i don’t break down in hysterics when i’m stressed out, and i am slowly becoming a more outspoken person. i’m not crazy outgoing or talkative or anything but i can tell that i’m speaking up in class more and spending more time with my friends.

i went to my school’s homecoming football game and homecoming dance (which is HUGE for me – my first dance in two years). i know that it’s going to take time to get used to being out in public and socializing but it bothers me that i didn’t have that much fun at homecoming. everyone seemed to be having the time of their lives dancing the night away and going on carnival rides and taking pictures with their friends but something seemed to be missing for me. i can’t loosen up and that bothers me when it seems that everyone else can. i know it’s a big step for me to have even gone so i’m at least proud of myself for going that far. baby steps, paige, baby steps.

 

october has been filled with so many new experiences so far. the football game, the dance, being school spirited, finishing school at 12:30 every day, and college applications. it’s crazy how fast the time has gone by. college. wow. i still can’t believe i’m a senior and am sending in my applications in the next couple of weeks. it seems like just yesterday i was building gingerbread houses in second grade and learning my times tables. now, i’m building biology lab setups and going through my second year of calculus. we just got the forms for our senior quotes today. i decided that my quote would be disney-related because of how happy it has made me throughout the years. i quickly chose “to infinity and beyond” to be the quote displayed underneath my picture in the yearbook. i feel like it suits me, too – the sky is the limit and nobody can tell me otherwise.

i’m applying to 7 colleges, 6 being in california.
1. stanford university; palo alto, ca
2. uc berkeley; berkeley, ca
3. uc san diego; la jolla, ca
4. university of san diego; san diego, ca
5. cal poly san luis obispo; san luis obispo, ca
6. uc santa cruz; santa cruz, ca
7. university of washington; seattle, wa

college will be good for me. i’m ready for it. i’m ready to grow some cajones and get out there on my own. i’ve always been rather independent and disciplined so i don’t think that i’ll have difficulty with that. the thing i’ll have problems with is forming relationships with people and the more social aspect of college. public schools will help with that because of their size. however, private schools are more likely  to give me scholarship money which will help immensely considering i plan on going to graduate school. my first app is due next tuesday (november 1) to my first choice school, stanford. since i’m applying early, i will find out my admission status on or around december 15th, which is crazy! either i’ll have the best christmas of my entire life or i’ll be totally crushed and depressed over the holidays. GREAT.

wish me luck on my applications!

i love disneyland. it really is the happiest place on earth, in my head. it always has been. i almost feel more comfortable at disneyland than i do at home. i’ve been raised at disneyland and have spent some of the best days of my life within its gates. however, there are various times during the day when i am irritated beyond belief by the rudeness and lack of common courtesy that some people have. you’d think some of this stuff would really be common sense but, unfortunately in this instance, there is a such a huge variation of cultures and languages at disneyland that it’s virtually impossible to get along perfectly with the thousands of guests around you. but i thought i’d compile this list just for my own satisfaction. enjoy!

1. control your children. PLEASE.
i know that disneyland is going to always have kids, obviously. and normally i’m totally cool with kids…when they’re behaving. i know that tantrums are virtually unavoidable especially when you’ve been out all day at a theme park and kids get cranky and tired. but, please, for the love of god: parent them. when they’re having a meltdown, take them to the side of the walkway…don’t discipline them in the middle of main street. don’t let them wander off or throw things at other people. don’t let them stand so close to my butt when i’m standing in line. i don’t like feeling a random kid’s face right by my hip. it’s uncomfortable and it’s kind of a safety issue. ALSO AS IMPORTANT: don’t push your G.D. stroller into my heels. thank you.

2. i can’t stress this enough…DO NOT STOP IN THE MIDDLE OF FOOT TRAFFIC.
i get it if you dropped something and you need to bend over to pick it up. i can brush that off after clenching my fists for a couple seconds. but when you are walking at a normal pace and then all of the sudden you stop to point at the sky (and it’s not a UFO or terrorist..), we’re going to have problems. pull off to the side if you want to stop and have a chit chat with your buddies or read a text message or get something out of your stroller. the middle of walkways are reserved for those who are trying to get to their destination TODAY. if it takes 20 minutes to get from indiana jones to the haunted mansion, i’m gonna be pissed and i’ll probably swear a little.

3. realize that you’re not the center of the universe.
i had an issue in the bathroom this past trip to disneyland. no, you sicko, not that kind of issue. i went to wash my hands after using the restroom and each sink was occupied. whatever, i can wait, no big deal. it’s disneyland and there will be lines everywhere. however, when you are done washing your hands, MOVE OVER AND LET THE PEOPLE WAITING HAVE THEIR TURN. the sinks are not a place to discuss last night’s “jersey shore” episode, especially when i could have a colony of bacteria on my hands that is reproducing like rabbits in the spring.

4. this is a family establishment; don’t do anything that you wouldn’t want your grandmother to see/hear.
this includes (but is not limited to): making out, cursing, wearing inappropriate clothing, et al. we get it, you love your boyfriend/girlfriend. we don’t need to see you physically expressing that all over the parks. hey, if you wanna get it on in the haunted mansion doom-buggies, by all means go ahead. but when i’m standing in line, i don’t need to see you guys feeling each other up. cursing…i mean, there’s kids everywhere. not to mention adults. i, personally, fear my normally sometimes filthy mouth most around adults. kids won’t know what it all means but the parents will and they will not be pleased with your lexicon. keep it clean, at least until around 10 pm when the little kids start turning in for the night. as for clothing, come on. it’s disneyland, not a beauty pageant. you don’t need to stick your hooters out into space and i for sure do not need to see your derrière.

5. smile and be pleasant.
okay, i’ve broken this one so many times. i can definitely have meltdowns at disneyland. sometimes it’s hot, i get irritated by rude people, and it’s just not a fun experience. but, no matter how bad a day you are having, don’t make someone else’s day bad too. SMILE at the lovely cast members who are trying to make your day special. they go through a lot. appreciate their jobs. they have to be pleasant all day. and for those grumpy CMs who wander around at times, put aside your personal issues for a second and think about who you’re talking to. you could be making a family from wisconsin very upset but not being chipper. and if you can’t be pleasant, you should probably quit because that’s just not cool. and, please, be nice to the rest of the people in the park with you. if you see someone who might need help, offer some. if someone does something kind for you, say thank you. don’t forget your manners; everyone else is trying to have a good day, too.

those are the major points i wanted to address. if you go to disneyland in the near future, please keep these in mind and don’t ruin the magic for yourself or others!

lame title, whiney post

i deactivated my facebook (again) and signed off the internet for the past weekend. i spent some time with my grandparents after having the biggest mental breakdown last tuesday. i could feel one building up over the past month and a week ago i just cracked. unfortunately, i took a few steps back in my progress in overcoming my personal issues but, at the same time, i’ve taken a couple steps forward. my mom got involved during this last breakdown and confessed to me that it’s very hard for her to see me hurting so much. we’ve decided to make an appointment with a psychiatrist so we can explore another option of treatment. i’ve never been on medication for depression but, from what i’ve heard, i think it could be a big help. i was doing a little research and it seems that the only SSRI that is allowed for patients under 18 is prozac because of potential suicidality. can anyone clarify? i can’t imagine that there is only one treatment option for children and teens with depression/anxiety…

i’m feeling a little better today and yesterday after doing a bit of retail therapy; ended up getting a pair of shorts, 2 pairs of jeans, 5 tops, a pair of brown boots, and my mom just ordered me some red hi top converse (FINALLY). so i’m feeling pretty good at the moment, especially since i didn’t have any issues with fitting into anything which is totally unusual. school starts on wednesday and i’m NOT feeling great about that. in fact, it’s probably going to be awful just because all i’ll be able to think abut was last year, sitting in class wanting to die and sitting in my car alone at lunch. so…who knows. at least it’s my last year of high school and then i can go where i want and do what i want. thank god, it can’t come soon enough. i’m looking forward to getting letters back from colleges and going to graduation and grad nite. prom….not so much. i really don’t feel the need or desire to go to prom – it’s just not really me. it’s the epitome of high school and everyone tells me that i’m going to regret not going when i’m old and dying. but, honestly, when i’m old…i don’t think prom is going to be the first thing that i’ll regret. it’s so insignificant and doesn’t mean anything to me. i’ve never really been keen on going. it’s expensive as all get-out (not to mention dress and shoes and dinner), i most likely won’t have a date, and 90% of my really good friends are going to stay out all night getting wasted and stoned out of their minds which is so pathetic. why would i want to go to something that my friends won’t even remember?

i hate to say that nothing is really happening but there’s not much to report other than the whole psychiatrist thing and school starting. i’m hoping that this year goes well and doesn’t send me over the edge like last year did. i’m sick of feeling down on my own and i don’t need school to contribute to that. keeping my chin up and staying strong gets harder and harder every day, but i’m still trying.

nothing in my way

(the title is a song by keane. it’s wonderful. anything keane does is wonderful. check them out!)

i haven’t been doing too well lately. i’m getting really depressed again and i don’t know what’s triggering it. my mom and i aren’t really fighting as much as we have in the past, i don’t have any school stuff to worry about, my body hasn’t been disgusting me as much. i really don’t know what’s wrong with me. but i feel hopeless again, like there’s no point. i don’t really want any “it gets better” speeches, because i’ve been waiting for it to get better for almost 2 years. i mean, there have been days where i am totally fine and feel like making progress in recovery (i guess you could call it that) and i even feel totally motivated and wonderful. but there are days, most days, that i either don’t feel or i feel awful. i rarely ever have good days anymore. sure, it gets better for a little, but it doesn’t last. i can have maybe a week that i’m okay and i’m not constantly suffering but the 3 other weeks in the month are torturous.

i need to talk to my therapist about psychiatrists. i really think i need some sort of medication. i’ve been waiting and waiting for myself to feel better and to get better with therapy but it’s been 6 months of weekly therapy sessions and i’m back where i was before i even started therapy. i have thoughts of returning to that point anyway. i just don’t feel worth it anymore. i don’t feel like i will ever feel better. i don’t want to feel anymore. things are just really painful for me right now, especially the situation between my ex-boyfriend and i. and i know you’re probably thinking, “oh, honey, you’re 17. you’ll find someone else and he’ll be better than your ex. you’ve got so much life ahead of you.” but do i really? if i keep up how i’m feeling, i won’t have a lot of life ahead of me. and it’s not so much my ex that’s making me feel this way – i mean, i do miss him terribly and it kills me that we’re not together. i feel like crap because i was the one who broke up with him. he couldn’t be happier right now while i’m here, miserable. i brought the misery on myself.

if i believed in god, i would swear that he’s trying to punish me for something. i don’t know what i did though. i like to think that i’m generally a good person who just doesn’t get any credit for it. but this pain inside of my heart and head is convincing me that i’m a bad person, like i did something terribly wrong and now i’m getting punished for it. i wish i could believe in god or something good in this world. there’s just too much hate and desolation in the world for me to believe in something bigger and good. if there was something in control of the world, wouldn’t it try to make the world as enjoyable as possible? wouldn’t i feel better about myself so i don’t end up killing myself? wouldn’t my aunt who is the most perfect person on earth not have lung cancer? that’s just the way it seems to me. i just feel like there’s too much bad in this world for me to believe in a god.

i’m truly sorry if this is offensive to you or it makes you upset that i’m an atheist. i totally respect religion; i think it’s important that everyone’s opinions are respected and considered regardless of if they agree with yours or not. i think that if you believe in god, that’s wonderful. i’m glad that you have something to give you support in hard times. that’s what’s important, isn’t it?

and i’m sorry if this post is depressing and awful. i really had nowhere else to post this and no one to talk to until my therapy session on thursday. thanks for understanding.

here are a few things i find humorous or somewhat noteworthy about our new apartment:

  • we have two microwaves. no, that’s not even the best part. we didn’t even realize that we have two microwaves until today (saturday) and we moved in on wednesday
  • my mom bought new dishwashing powerball things; we’re not used to the ones with the plastic wrapping but rather the gel wrapped ones that you just throw into the dishwasher, so our first round of dishes were simply hot water rinsed
  • i have to hold my breath when i take out the trash to the trash chute
  • the second day of living here, i almost took out one of my rearview mirrors with a cement pillar – whoops
  • bringing my own comforter and pillows has made sleeping SO much more pleasurable
  • all of the seats in the apartment are super low; if my oma comes over for dinner, we’ll have to get her a booster seat 😉
  • well, the couch is nice…we’re actually contemplating stealing it…shhhhh…..
  • one of our neighbors across the way occasionally comes out onto his balcony to smoke. he always looks really sad and pensive. i should think of a name for him. smokey, probably.
  • my stepdad finally set up wireless internet which means that i’ll be going to into hibernation in my room for the next two months or however long we’re here for
  • the people here are really nice; at least the people i’ve met in the elevator who do the required “what floor?” thing
  • my room smells funky and i keep spraying it with my perfume to get it to smell like me but it’s not working out too well; i practically gag before falling asleep every night
  • i do, however, enjoy the proximity to a) the center with the restaurant i want to work at (earn), b) my bank (save), c) the mall (SPEND!!!!). we’re literally across the street from all 3. and the hospital. you know, just in case..
that’s basically all i have to discuss today. i’ve been hanging out with lots of friends lately, which i think will be good for me. i saw the help today and it was really good. sad, angering, and for the most part really hysterical. i recommend it. and emma stone is just adorable but who didn’t already know that?