i deactivated my facebook (again) and signed off the internet for the past weekend. i spent some time with my grandparents after having the biggest mental breakdown last tuesday. i could feel one building up over the past month and a week ago i just cracked. unfortunately, i took a few steps back in my progress in overcoming my personal issues but, at the same time, i’ve taken a couple steps forward. my mom got involved during this last breakdown and confessed to me that it’s very hard for her to see me hurting so much. we’ve decided to make an appointment with a psychiatrist so we can explore another option of treatment. i’ve never been on medication for depression but, from what i’ve heard, i think it could be a big help. i was doing a little research and it seems that the only SSRI that is allowed for patients under 18 is prozac because of potential suicidality. can anyone clarify? i can’t imagine that there is only one treatment option for children and teens with depression/anxiety…
i’m feeling a little better today and yesterday after doing a bit of retail therapy; ended up getting a pair of shorts, 2 pairs of jeans, 5 tops, a pair of brown boots, and my mom just ordered me some red hi top converse (FINALLY). so i’m feeling pretty good at the moment, especially since i didn’t have any issues with fitting into anything which is totally unusual. school starts on wednesday and i’m NOT feeling great about that. in fact, it’s probably going to be awful just because all i’ll be able to think abut was last year, sitting in class wanting to die and sitting in my car alone at lunch. so…who knows. at least it’s my last year of high school and then i can go where i want and do what i want. thank god, it can’t come soon enough. i’m looking forward to getting letters back from colleges and going to graduation and grad nite. prom….not so much. i really don’t feel the need or desire to go to prom – it’s just not really me. it’s the epitome of high school and everyone tells me that i’m going to regret not going when i’m old and dying. but, honestly, when i’m old…i don’t think prom is going to be the first thing that i’ll regret. it’s so insignificant and doesn’t mean anything to me. i’ve never really been keen on going. it’s expensive as all get-out (not to mention dress and shoes and dinner), i most likely won’t have a date, and 90% of my really good friends are going to stay out all night getting wasted and stoned out of their minds which is so pathetic. why would i want to go to something that my friends won’t even remember?
i hate to say that nothing is really happening but there’s not much to report other than the whole psychiatrist thing and school starting. i’m hoping that this year goes well and doesn’t send me over the edge like last year did. i’m sick of feeling down on my own and i don’t need school to contribute to that. keeping my chin up and staying strong gets harder and harder every day, but i’m still trying.
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