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Posts Tagged ‘lonely’

nothing in my way

(the title is a song by keane. it’s wonderful. anything keane does is wonderful. check them out!)

i haven’t been doing too well lately. i’m getting really depressed again and i don’t know what’s triggering it. my mom and i aren’t really fighting as much as we have in the past, i don’t have any school stuff to worry about, my body hasn’t been disgusting me as much. i really don’t know what’s wrong with me. but i feel hopeless again, like there’s no point. i don’t really want any “it gets better” speeches, because i’ve been waiting for it to get better for almost 2 years. i mean, there have been days where i am totally fine and feel like making progress in recovery (i guess you could call it that) and i even feel totally motivated and wonderful. but there are days, most days, that i either don’t feel or i feel awful. i rarely ever have good days anymore. sure, it gets better for a little, but it doesn’t last. i can have maybe a week that i’m okay and i’m not constantly suffering but the 3 other weeks in the month are torturous.

i need to talk to my therapist about psychiatrists. i really think i need some sort of medication. i’ve been waiting and waiting for myself to feel better and to get better with therapy but it’s been 6 months of weekly therapy sessions and i’m back where i was before i even started therapy. i have thoughts of returning to that point anyway. i just don’t feel worth it anymore. i don’t feel like i will ever feel better. i don’t want to feel anymore. things are just really painful for me right now, especially the situation between my ex-boyfriend and i. and i know you’re probably thinking, “oh, honey, you’re 17. you’ll find someone else and he’ll be better than your ex. you’ve got so much life ahead of you.” but do i really? if i keep up how i’m feeling, i won’t have a lot of life ahead of me. and it’s not so much my ex that’s making me feel this way – i mean, i do miss him terribly and it kills me that we’re not together. i feel like crap because i was the one who broke up with him. he couldn’t be happier right now while i’m here, miserable. i brought the misery on myself.

if i believed in god, i would swear that he’s trying to punish me for something. i don’t know what i did though. i like to think that i’m generally a good person who just doesn’t get any credit for it. but this pain inside of my heart and head is convincing me that i’m a bad person, like i did something terribly wrong and now i’m getting punished for it. i wish i could believe in god or something good in this world. there’s just too much hate and desolation in the world for me to believe in something bigger and good. if there was something in control of the world, wouldn’t it try to make the world as enjoyable as possible? wouldn’t i feel better about myself so i don’t end up killing myself? wouldn’t my aunt who is the most perfect person on earth not have lung cancer? that’s just the way it seems to me. i just feel like there’s too much bad in this world for me to believe in a god.

i’m truly sorry if this is offensive to you or it makes you upset that i’m an atheist. i totally respect religion; i think it’s important that everyone’s opinions are respected and considered regardless of if they agree with yours or not. i think that if you believe in god, that’s wonderful. i’m glad that you have something to give you support in hard times. that’s what’s important, isn’t it?

and i’m sorry if this post is depressing and awful. i really had nowhere else to post this and no one to talk to until my therapy session on thursday. thanks for understanding.

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